hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
