the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
