Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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