why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
