we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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