my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
