Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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