I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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