I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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