Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
