If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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