I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
