She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
