I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You ruined the universe
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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