I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
