arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
