Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
