Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
