what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
