Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
