Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
