my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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