He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
50% drunk capacity currently
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
