I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
