if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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