Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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