You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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