Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
