At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Randomize
