Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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