he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
