Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
