we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
this is an emotional support booty call
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
