my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
