thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
