Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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