What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
