How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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