my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
