You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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