but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
