i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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