You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
