As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
