Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
