he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
