just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
