epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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