oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is Oprah even human
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
