i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
