Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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