I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
