Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
