After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Damn victory sex feels great
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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