also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
