woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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