I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
