see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
