3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
