I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
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